I Want Help with a Love Relationship
Handling Criticism
Criticism can be good for us, if it is wanted. But handling unwanted criticism is a burden in all our lives. A PERSONAL STORY I want to tell you about the least successful therapy I’ve ever done. A few years ago a woman was referred to me by her doctor. When I...
Healing From Sexual Abuse: A Strategy
n all topics related to childhood sexual abuse, please understand that by using female pronouns I am definitely not saying that all abuse happens to girls. It happens about twice as often to girls, but abuse is abuse and it’s horrible in any form. If you are...
How Happy Couples Stay That Way
Here is my personal list of the traits I admire most in couples. I’ve arranged them from “most necessary” on down. [Thanks to my two major “teachers” on this topic: Janet, my wife, and the couples I’ve met through therapy.] TIME...
How To Have A Lousy Sex Life!
THE THERAPIST’S WARPED VIEW Therapists may not know much more than the average person about how to have a good sex life, but we sure do know a lot about how to have a lousy one! We’ve heard every bad idea in the book. Here, then, are the best bad ideas...
How To Play
There are only three possible ways to spend our time and energy. We can only work, rest, or play. We work to produce things of value. We rest to recharge our bodies and minds. We play just for the fun of it. Ideally, we should spend about one-third of our awake time...
How To Talk About Feelings
How can we talk about our feelings? How much is too much? How much is not enough? THREE DECISIONS Whenever we talk to anyone, we make three quick decisions. Whether To SAY What We Feel. Whether To EXPRESS The Feelings. Whether To WORK AT PROBLEM SOLVING. We usually...
Living With Alcoholics
THE PROBLEM Alcoholism is still the scourge of this country. Earlier identification of the problem and better treatment programs have improved things, but the number of lives damaged and all of other costs involved remain immense. Much of what will be said here...
Personal Freedom
In the United States we constantly brag about how free we are… “The Land of the Free” and all that. But therapists know that many people, maybe even most people, are enslaved. Some of us are slaves to other people, especially spouses and employers. Others...
Quitting Addictions
MY KNOWLEDGE AND INTEREST I’m not an expert on addictions but I do know a lot about how people change. And overcoming addiction is one of the biggest changes anyone can make. So here are the beliefs and methods I find most helpful for people who are licking...
Relationships
SEX OR CUDDLING? Which is most important, sex or cuddling? If that’s the choice, it’s cuddling. But really it is touch – in all its forms – that makes or breaks relationships. WANTING A NEW PARTNER In order to find a new partner you must first...
The Three Stages Of Relationships
THREE STYLES OF RELATIONSHIPS People generally tend to relate to each other in one of three ways: Dependently, Independently, or Interdependently. People in dependent relationships spend much of their time fighting about who has to take care of whom. People in...
What Helps?
Sometimes we want to be helpful to an adult friend who is feeling bad. How can we offer personal help to a friend? How can we guard against damaging our relationship with them in the process? THREE GUIDING PRINCIPLES 1) Do you really want to help? 2) Are you willing...
What Terror Does To Us
I am writing this a few weeks after an attack on the United States by terrorists. I could have written this about many other terrors adults sometimes face, such as living without adequate food and water, living with chronic physical abuse, living with someone who is...
Who Can You Trust?
ABOUT “CONS” In the general population about one out of ten people are completely untrustable. They are called “cons” and they live by these “rules”: 1) Only fools tell the truth. 2) If you can get by with it, it’s OK. 3) Joy...
Why Are You Treated The Way You Are?
THE 95% RULE Ninety-five percent of the time we get treated the way we INVITE people to treat us. ABOUT “INVITATIONS” Everything we do, especially our nonverbal behavior, is an invitation to those around us. A smile is an invitation. So is a frown. So is a...
