Q: We’ve been together five years, lived together half that time. We have a loving, happy relationship. Recently, I discovered via the computer that he’s fascinated by hard-core pornography, lots of it. When confronted, he said I have no right to be upset, though he’s aware it offends me; he insisted I let it go.
He’s still spending hours looking at this and I’m disgusted. It’s becoming a real problem for me. I’m a sexual person and we usually have a good sex life. Lately, however, I feel I’m not going to be able to satisfy his urges because I’m unwilling to do what really turns him on.
I’ve tried to discuss how degrading and controlling this seems to me but he’s not willing to give it up. I know many people think it’s harmless but it’s making me question whether I’m willing to continue a relationship with someone who can disregard my feelings so easily.
A: There is one problem here for sure – the “power play” between you and him. You are trying to control his behavior and you are frustrated that you can’t. He’s trying to control your behavior (at least by wanting you to stop being bothered by this), and he is frustrated that he can’t. The only solution to this problem is to acknowledge that he controls himself 100% and you control yourself 100%.
There’s also another problem, about what you do together sexually. He has a right to ask, directly, for whatever he wants sexually. And you have a right to say “yes,” or “no,” or, more likely, “I’ll do this part but I won’t do that part.”
And there’s the possibility of another problem: If he wants any real person (you!) to be a “perfect fantasy,” then he is going to be frustrated. Fantasies can be perfect. People can’t. If he is so addicted to the porn that he is essentially insisting that you match his perfect image, he isn’t going to be satisfied with you or with any real person.
I suggest you say what you like and don’t like, and do what you like and don’t do what you don’t like. And that you stop trying to control his behavior. I know you will be worried about what effect his porn will have on your relationship, and I know you’ll be worried about whether he’ll be satisfied with the real “not perfect” you. But this is the situation he created and that he must resolve. If he chooses fantasy over reality, the earlier you learn this about him the better.
But give all of this some time. If he has strong desires for the porn and also has strong desires for you, he will need to go through a withdrawal period before he makes the only reasonable choice he has – reality! That can take months, and it will probably include some setbacks along the way.
Of course, marriage counseling would be wise before, during, or after the withdrawal period.
