Q: I live about 100 miles from him. About a month ago, or maybe two, he started accusing me of cheating on him (I never have, there weren’t even other men I was talking to). He started getting very abusive in a way. He would call (still does) all through the night telling me how he’s gonna hurt himself because of what I’m doing to him. How he’s gonna make me suffer for the rest of my life etc. I have never seen him this way.
A: YOU ARE IN DANGER! That’s the main thing you need to know. Do whatever it takes to stay safe from him.
Q: This is really very difficult. He thinks I told his mother about him using drugs (I never did!) and tells me that he’s disgusted by me and that he hates me etc. This would be difficult if I have done the things he says I did. Then I would understand that he’s mad for what I have done. But I haven’t done what he’s accusing me of. I know that this is very wrong, it’s really painful for me and him, but at the same time I feel that if I leave now, it will mean that I left him when he need help the most.
A: He needs a professional to help him. Your attempts at helping him are only feeding his addiction, fear, and hostility at this point.
Q: Again, he’s NEVER been like this before.
A: It may be that he’s become extremely paranoid from the drug use, or maybe he has emotional issues that are just now showing up. There are a lot of possibilities, but none of them matter compared to your need to protect yourself now.
Q: He complains that I don’t talk to him enough (that’s true), that I don’t show him how much I love him, and when I do it’s fake. He’s so convinced that I’m doing something wrong behind his back that he gives me very little chance (if any at all) to try to explain that he’s wrong. He tells me that I could prove this to him so easily, that it would take so little for him to believe me that I do care about him and love him, but I have to figure this out myself. He doesn’t act this way when I come to visit to him, it only happens when we’re at my place. I’m looking for a job right now and we were looking into buying a house together, but then all this started happening, and it’s all within the past six moths. I still have strong feelings for him, but I don’t want to know that he feels and acts this way because of me. I really just don’t know what to do….
A: I’m sorry, but the best thing I can say is that you need to get away from him because he’s dangerous now. You could temporarily end the relationship while he gets over the addiction through a professional service, but you definitely shouldn’t subject yourself to someone who is becoming more and more accusatory, threatening violence against himself and you, etc.
Your letter is one of the best examples I’ve seen of what I like to tell everyone who wants to work on their relationship: “Remember: you are always more important than your relationship.”
There is something you might try. It’s called an intervention. You can contact a clinic that specializes in treating addictions and talk with a therapist about it. But once you learn about the intervention, Do Not try to do anything like this on your own. It would be too dangerous. It should only be done in a safe, professional way.
Q: I greatly appreciate all your help
A: I just wish I had better news for you
