Stop Making Comparisons!

Remember the last time you heard someone make a comparison about you.
They might have said: “You look better today”
or “You are smarter than Charlie.”
These are called “external” comparisons
because they happen in the external world.

Remember the last few comparisons you made in your own mind.
You might have said something like:
“She’s prettier than me”
or “I know more than he does.”
These are internal comparisons.

It’s easy to feel bad with either kind of comparison.
Even if it’s complementary,
there’s usually a psychological “sting” in there someplace.

Even “I know more than he does” feels a little bad
because you know you will be making
the same kind of judgments again in the future
and the conclusion might just be the opposite tomorrow.

Comparisons are only helpful when they are used
to evaluate progress on a self-selected improvement program.

For example:
There is no need to frequently weigh yourself
unless you have decided on your own
that you will lose or gain weight.

Step #1: Become An Expert At Finding Them.

Spend a long time (maybe a month) simply noticing all of the comparisons you hear or make in your life. It will be relatively easy to notice comparisons made by others. It will be harder to notice when you make them internally.

As you observe all of these comparisons, notice how they work. Learn how people get hurt by them, and how they lower self-esteem.

Step #2: Make A Conscious Decision About Each Comparison. (Don’t even try this unless you are well-practiced at Step #1. It just won’t work.)

After you are good at noticing comparisons, get good at making conscious decisions about whether to use them or not. If you catch yourself wanting to tell one of your children that they are better at something than another child, STOP!

Then ask yourself: Do I really want to do this? What do I hope to accomplish? What will be the outcome if I do?

Ask yourself these same questions when you start to make internal comparisons.

Step #3: Allow Yourself To NATURALLY Stop Making Comparisons.

Now you can simply count on learning to take over and put you on automatic pilot.

By completing the first two steps, you will have learned so much about how comparisons work and about how damaging they are, that you will probably automatically and naturally stop most of them!

Just let the automatic process happen for you. In a short time you will have stopped making most comparisons, and the few that are left will be much easier to evaluate and change.

If you don’t stop automatically at this point, you have probably been so strongly programmed to treat yourself this way that you will need help to overcome it.

If you ask most therapists to help you to stop making comparisons, they will understand. But if they don’t, tell them you want to change the sadness, depression, or “feelings of inadequacy” you create by making the comparisons. They’ll understand that.

I know I just suggested a whole lot of hard mental work for you.
But this is one of the best uses of your time and energy you will ever find.

So, if you think you have more important things to do, think again!