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About Shame

SHAME AND GUILT

Shame is not the same as guilt.

When we feel guilt, it's about something we did.
When we feel shame, it's about who we are.

When we feel guilty we need to learn
that it's OK to make mistakes.

When we feel shame we need to learn
that it's OK to be who we are!



WHERE SHAME COMES FROM

Shame comes from being taught
that we are worthless or bad or something similar.

It comes in childhood from adults who say things like:
"You'll never amount to anything!"
"You are worthless!"
"I wish you were never born!"
"Shame on you!"

It also comes from severe physical discipline
since each hit of the hand or fist or belt says to the child:
"You don't matter at all!
Only what you do matters!"

And shame comes from being humiliated for our behavior.
It comes from adults who say:
"What would the neighbors think of you if they knew...?"
"You look ridiculous!"
"Don't you have any pride?"
"What's wrong with you anyway!?"

And it comes from being threatened
with shaming, or physical discipline, or humiliation.
When we are threatened with these things,
the psychological message is the same:
"I can and will treat you any way I want to...
You are a worthless weakling at my disposal!"



WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO ARE SHAMED?

People who are shamed
have to live in the same world as all the rest of us
but they have to live in it
with the deep-down conviction that they are worthless.

The amount of continuous pressure
a deeply shamed person feels is immense.

When they are doing well,
they think it's only a matter of time
before they are discovered as useless.

When they make mistakes,
they expect a terrifying degree of anger
from the people they disappoint.

Every act is a "test"
- and they are convinced
that it's only a matter of time
before they fail completely.

LIVING IN SHAME AND LIVING "AS IF" YOU ARE O.K.

Some people who are convinced they are worthless
live out their lives to prove that they are worthless!
The most severe alcoholics, drug addicts,
and impulsive criminals are good examples.

Like all of us, they have a deep need to be known and to be seen
and to be recognized "for who I really am."
But since they actually believe they are worthless,
they have a strong need to prove their worthlessness
to everyone in their lives.

They don't hurt their families and friends because they don't love them
or because they want to hurt them.
They hurt their families and friends
out of this need to be "known"
- and out of the wrong belief that they are worthless.


Most people who are convinced they are worthless
live out their lives trying to prove they DO have worth.

These are the people who are constantly worried
about what you think of them,
and who constantly think
that you are judging them.

When you tell them they did a good job
they feel good for a few minutes,
but they soon feel worthless again
(and think that you wouldn't like them
if you "really" knew them).

If you tell them they did a poor job
they will either feel a strong urge to cry
or they will show an immense amount of anger
at you for saying such a "horrible" thing!

They don't understand
you are only commenting on the last thing they did.
They think you are commenting on them,
and on their worthlessness as human beings.



WHAT HELPS?

People who've been deeply shamed
need to be fully loved and accepted and valued!

Some people find a lover who deeply accepts, loves, and values them.
Others find a group of friends who deeply accept, love, and value them.

Most people need a therapist along the way
who shows them their value,
and who, perhaps more importantly,
helps them to stop
all the repetitious self-talk about their lack of worth.

Every person who is overcoming shame
will need to have many sources of love and acceptance.
One lover or friend or therapist is never enough.

The more totally they can trust these new sources of love in their life,
the more deeply they will accept the love they need.
(The love of less trustable people is also valuable, of course
- just not nearly as valuable.)

Overcoming shame takes a long time.
But it is well worth it for the moment
when the deeply shamed person finally says
with unmistakable surprise and amazement in their voice:
"You know, I really am a good person!"



ANOTHER TOPIC ABOUT SHAME...

It would be good to read the next topic about shame now:
Shame: What You Can Do About It


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Write To Me, I Want To Hear From You!
Tony Schirtzinger, Therapist (Milwaukee) 

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