Q: Why would I want certain things so badly, (such as a private little house or cabin in the mountains where I can go to write/paint all alone)? Also, I never send in the books I’ve written in to publishers. Fear of rejection? I dream about all this constantly and when given a glimmer of a chance to get it, I run away from it as fast as I can in fear. I am so tired of all these inner conflicts. Help!
A: Sounds like you could boil down everything you are experiencing into one word: Fear.
So the question is “Why are you so afraid?”
And the answer is: because you’ve been in situations in your life that were so intensely fearful that the feeling has survived for a long time after the events were over. Basically, you haven’t overcome past fearful memories yet.
Overcoming fearful memories is one of the things therapists work on most often, and usually with good success.
You don’t mention therapy, and you make so many references to your thoughts that I wonder: “Are you only hoping to change your thoughts on your own, instead of seeing a good therapist where you’d have to give up your privacy for a hour each week and examine your thoughts and feelings with someone instead?”
Remember that fear is a feeling. Your fears are being created by your thoughts, that’s true. But you have to accept the feeling first, find a healthy way to express the fear (by talking them out with a therapist), and only then deciding if you want to use your newfound energy to make small or big changes in your life (like getting the cabin).
Hope you’ve read everything at my site about fear, anxiety, fantasy vs. reality, bad memories, etc. If not, please do. The topics can help you to understand what’s going on and they might even help you to speed up your therapy.
Don’t try to change habitual, long-term thoughts on your own.
Please call a therapist.