I Want Help Socially, With All Relationships
About Change
DO PEOPLE REALLY CHANGE? Yes! Change is constant in all our lives. THREE AREAS OF CHANGE When we want to change we need to focus on three things: our values, our thinking, and our feelings. Change automatically occurs in all three areas every day, but some changes are...
About Getting Close
“I don’t know why she says I won’t get close! It’s so frustrating!” “She just won’t get close, no matter what I do.” “I’m lonely. I need someone close.” We talk about closeness all the time, but: What...
About Love
SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT LOVELove is like life itself. Ideally, it is passed down through the generations. You must absorb enough love before you can give it to others. Once you’ve absorbed enough love, there’s a natural urge for it to...
About Shame
SHAME AND GUILT Shame is not the same as guilt. When we feel guilt, it’s about something we did. When we feel shame, it’s about who we are. When we feel guilty we need to learn that it’s OK to make mistakes. When we feel shame we need to learn that...
Basics #1: Your Needs and Wants
What every eight-year-old should know and most adults have never been taught about the emotions that run our lives. INTRODUCTION This topic explains what your feelings are, how to use them to help yourself, and how to overcome the ones that get in your way. This...
Basics #2: Your Natural Feelings
What every eight-year-old should know and most adults have never been taught about the emotions that run our lives. THE NATURAL, REAL FEELINGS Feelings that start in our senses are natural responses to the real world. When we notice real anger, or sadness, or scare,...
Basics #3: Unnatural Feelings
What every eight-year-old should know and most adults have never been taught about the emotions that run our lives. ABOUT GUILT Since guilt is not a natural, necessary emotion, it blocks and wastes our energy. GUILT IS A COVER-UP FOR ANGER WHICH LEAVES US FEELING SAD....
Bigotry
“Some things are white and right. Some things are black and wrong. There is nothing in between.” It amazes me that so many of us actually try to live our complex adult lives by such ridiculous dictums. A MILLION KINDS OF BIGOTRY Racism is only one form of...
Boundaries
WHAT THEY ARE The concept of “boundaries” relates to our sense of self. At birth and for a long while after, a baby has no real sense of who they are. When we see a baby in their mother’s arms, we see two people – the child and the mother. But...
Can You Make Someone Change?
At least half of the letters I get are from people who want to change somebody else. These letters usually start by listing the other person’s faults. This is followed by a list of all the things the writer has done to try to make the person change. Then there...
Clear Communication: #1
COMMUNICATION TRICKS I’m going to be telling you about some “tricks” you can use to communicate clearly with anyone. I call them tricks because most people don’t know about them and because they often work so powerfully that they seem to give...
Clear Communication: #2
This is the second in a series of topics on communication. Refer back to topic #1 if you need to. SUMMARY OF THE FIRST TOPIC Have a purpose, and remember it. Remember the topic, notice when it starts to change, and go back to it. Be ready to cooperate – so both...
Cooperation: How?
“Cooperation #1: Why?” was about why we cooperate and how to decide whether to cooperate or compete. This topic is about how to actually do the cooperating. THE CONVERSATION We could come up with some nonverbal examples of good cooperation but most of the...
Cooperation: Why?
People who want to control us say, “All I want is for you to cooperate.” What they really mean is, “Go along with me or I’ll accuse you of not being cooperative.” Cooperation isn’t about giving up what you want. It isn’t about...
Couples: Passive and Controlling Partners
PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER? Passive people usually find controlling partners. Controlling people usually find passive partners. They are “perfect” for each other. In apparently opposite ways, each person aims at controlling the other. Passive people are...
Feel Safe By “Safing Yourself”
UNNECESSARY FEAR Everyone feels unnecessary fear sometimes. Some people feel it almost constantly. When you feel this way, you know you are scaring yourself mentally and that you need to stop it. But stopping it can be difficult. How can you make it easier to stop?...
Feeling Like You Belong
We all want to have the sense that we belong among people we know. Where do we really belong? What makes us feel less like we belong? What makes us feel more like we belong? WHERE DO YOU BELONG? You belong where you say you belong! The decision about whether you...
Feeling Safe
Throughout 95 percent of human history, staying safe was something we did! Now, since most of us have pretty safe lives, it is something we want to feel. PROTECTING YOURSELF IN THE REAL WORLD If there is a real threat in your life (an abusive family member, someone...
Getting Enough Attention
“HE’S ONLY DOING IT FOR THE ATTENTION” What a ridiculous statement! Getting attention is vital for all of us. As infants we would actually die if we didn’t get enough attention, and as adults we are miserable and can actually go crazy if we are...
Growing Up Emotionally
THE DAY WE GREW UP Most of us can remember the day we grew up. It was the day our parents did us the favor of being so unreasonable that we said good-bye to our dependence on them forever and entered into the adult world of choices. Looking back, we realize that the...
