Q: I have been married for 18 years. My husband is always cursing. He can not say one sentence without cursing. He is always complaining. Weather its about how I tend our house, the neighbors, my friends, his job, our daughter.

He is always angry. Example: I took my daughter (4) to a friends birthday party. He didn’t want us to go because he had nothing to do that day (not golfing that day). For the rest of the evening he was nasty to me, picking fights, complaining.

He is never happy. When he doesn’t get his way he pouts and gets nasty. When he has to lift a finger around the house he bitches and yells the whole time. (I try to do it just so he doesn’t yell)

I am so tired of it! Sometimes we just have more fun when he is not around.

He calls me 10 times a day from work. Gets pissed off when were out doing something “fun” or just our running errands My family hates him. His brother won’t even come to our house when he is here. He was physically abusive once in front of my daughter. He is a dry drunk.

A: I think my best suggestion for you would be to read your own letter over and over and over until you realize that this is your reality, this is your relationship, and it really is this bad! (Anyone who lives in such a bad relationship for a long time sort of gets used to it… and if one day is a little bit better they tend to believe things aren’t so bad, and then the next day comes and they have to face, again, that it is real, that it is this bad, etc.)

You said that he got physically abusive once in front of your daughter. Since you phrased it this way I am going to assume that he has also been physically abusive at other times when nobody was there to see it. That’s horrible!

In such a relationship there are two people with big problems.

His abusiveness is his problem.

The fact that you take such mistreatment is your problem.

Both of these are definitely therapy issues.

You don’t mention if you are in therapy or if you ever have been. You need therapy now to find out why you have thought so little of yourself that you have allowed yourself to be treated this way for so long.

By writing to me you have acknowledged that you need to talk to a therapist. Now please call to make an appointment with a good local therapist who you can see in person.

Stop waiting and hoping that he will change. Focus on your own changes instead.

Maybe, if you stay with him, he will eventually see your changes and want therapy for himself. Maybe, but probably not.

Regardless, your life is Your life. Get the help you need.

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