I Often Feel Ashamed
About Change
DO PEOPLE REALLY CHANGE? Yes! Change is constant in all our lives. THREE AREAS OF CHANGE When we want to change we need to focus on three things: our values, our thinking, and our feelings. Change automatically occurs in all three areas every day, but some changes are...
About Shame
SHAME AND GUILT Shame is not the same as guilt. When we feel guilt, it’s about something we did. When we feel shame, it’s about who we are. When we feel guilty we need to learn that it’s OK to make mistakes. When we feel shame we need to learn that...
Basics #1: Your Needs and Wants
What every eight-year-old should know and most adults have never been taught about the emotions that run our lives. INTRODUCTION This topic explains what your feelings are, how to use them to help yourself, and how to overcome the ones that get in your way. This...
Basics #2: Your Natural Feelings
What every eight-year-old should know and most adults have never been taught about the emotions that run our lives. THE NATURAL, REAL FEELINGS Feelings that start in our senses are natural responses to the real world. When we notice real anger, or sadness, or scare,...
Basics #3: Unnatural Feelings
What every eight-year-old should know and most adults have never been taught about the emotions that run our lives. ABOUT GUILT Since guilt is not a natural, necessary emotion, it blocks and wastes our energy. GUILT IS A COVER-UP FOR ANGER WHICH LEAVES US FEELING SAD....
Bigotry
“Some things are white and right. Some things are black and wrong. There is nothing in between.” It amazes me that so many of us actually try to live our complex adult lives by such ridiculous dictums. A MILLION KINDS OF BIGOTRY Racism is only one form of...
Clients and Success In Therapy
Therapy is essentially a healthy relationship. Teaching occurs. Emotions are expressed. Ideas are exchanged and examined. But none of these is primary. What is primary is the relationship between the client and the therapist. The healthier the relationship, the better...
Cooperation: How?
“Cooperation #1: Why?” was about why we cooperate and how to decide whether to cooperate or compete. This topic is about how to actually do the cooperating. THE CONVERSATION We could come up with some nonverbal examples of good cooperation but most of the...
Cooperation: Why?
People who want to control us say, “All I want is for you to cooperate.” What they really mean is, “Go along with me or I’ll accuse you of not being cooperative.” Cooperation isn’t about giving up what you want. It isn’t about...
Depression: What To Do About It
BE ANGRY OR BE DEPRESSED Depressed people are angry people who don’t admit it to themselves. They tend to say nothing when they should be saying: “Get out of my way!” Anger is a natural emotion which occurs whenever something is in our way. We...
Discipline
FEARFULNESS The most troubled adults I know are those who were frightened as children by extreme physical abuse or psychological terror. Their parents called it “discipline.” The more horrendous the beatings and the more frightening the threats, the longer...
False Memories And Responsibility
There has been a lot in the media about “false memory syndrome.” There’s even an organization devoted to helping people who have been falsely accused of sexual abuse. As a therapist, I have some very strong views about this, of course. This article...
Feeling Like You Belong
We all want to have the sense that we belong among people we know. Where do we really belong? What makes us feel less like we belong? What makes us feel more like we belong? WHERE DO YOU BELONG? You belong where you say you belong! The decision about whether you...
Getting Enough Attention
“HE’S ONLY DOING IT FOR THE ATTENTION” What a ridiculous statement! Getting attention is vital for all of us. As infants we would actually die if we didn’t get enough attention, and as adults we are miserable and can actually go crazy if we are...
Growing Up Emotionally
THE DAY WE GREW UP Most of us can remember the day we grew up. It was the day our parents did us the favor of being so unreasonable that we said good-bye to our dependence on them forever and entered into the adult world of choices. Looking back, we realize that the...
Guidelines For Emotional Health
I found it a very interesting exercise to try to come up with a list of the most important suggestions I could possibly make and have them fit nicely into this relatively small space. The list is arranged in order of importance. If you don’t follow all of these...
Handling Criticism
Criticism can be good for us, if it is wanted. But handling unwanted criticism is a burden in all our lives. A PERSONAL STORY I want to tell you about the least successful therapy I’ve ever done. A few years ago a woman was referred to me by her doctor. When I...
Hate
Are you hated? Who do you hate? WHY ARE YOU HATED? Print this topic. Then circle the words that describe you. Sex: Male Female Other Race: Black Brown Yellow White Red Mixed Schooling: Primary Secondary B.A. M.A. Ph.D Employment: None Employee Employer Professional...
Healing From Sexual Abuse: A Strategy
n all topics related to childhood sexual abuse, please understand that by using female pronouns I am definitely not saying that all abuse happens to girls. It happens about twice as often to girls, but abuse is abuse and it’s horrible in any form. If you are...
How Does Abuse Happen?
As I write this, our country is rightly embarrassed and understandably shocked after learning about prisoner abuse and other atrocities committed by us, and against us, during war. As a therapist, I know that abuse doesn’t occur only in war. I hear nearly every...
