I Want Help With Children or With Family Problems
About Getting Close
“I don’t know why she says I won’t get close! It’s so frustrating!” “She just won’t get close, no matter what I do.” “I’m lonely. I need someone close.” We talk about closeness all the time, but: What...
About Love
SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT LOVELove is like life itself. Ideally, it is passed down through the generations. You must absorb enough love before you can give it to others. Once you’ve absorbed enough love, there’s a natural urge for it to...
About Shame
SHAME AND GUILT Shame is not the same as guilt. When we feel guilt, it’s about something we did. When we feel shame, it’s about who we are. When we feel guilty we need to learn that it’s OK to make mistakes. When we feel shame we need to learn that...
Angels, Infants, and Hope
MY PROBLEM WITH ANGELS Whenever someone tells me that some force intervened in their life to change things for the better I think I understand completely. I remember times in my own life, and many times in other people’s lives, when a sudden change seemed to...
Are You Expecting Too Much?
THE CURSE OF EXPECTATIONS We pick on ourselves when we don’t meet our own expectations. We feel sad and angry when others don’t meet the expectations we put on them. And even when our expectations are met we don’t feel very good about it. We just...
Basics #1: Your Needs and Wants
What every eight-year-old should know and most adults have never been taught about the emotions that run our lives. INTRODUCTION This topic explains what your feelings are, how to use them to help yourself, and how to overcome the ones that get in your way. This...
Basics #2: Your Natural Feelings
What every eight-year-old should know and most adults have never been taught about the emotions that run our lives. THE NATURAL, REAL FEELINGS Feelings that start in our senses are natural responses to the real world. When we notice real anger, or sadness, or scare,...
Basics #3: Unnatural Feelings
What every eight-year-old should know and most adults have never been taught about the emotions that run our lives. ABOUT GUILT Since guilt is not a natural, necessary emotion, it blocks and wastes our energy. GUILT IS A COVER-UP FOR ANGER WHICH LEAVES US FEELING SAD....
Can You Make Someone Change?
At least half of the letters I get are from people who want to change somebody else. These letters usually start by listing the other person’s faults. This is followed by a list of all the things the writer has done to try to make the person change. Then there...
Changing Your Personality
People who have never experienced therapy often ask: “Do people really change?” People who have experienced good therapy know the answer is a resounding “Yes!” [If you wonder about this yourself, please read: “About Change.”] But there’s a related question that even...
Cooperation: How?
“Cooperation #1: Why?” was about why we cooperate and how to decide whether to cooperate or compete. This topic is about how to actually do the cooperating. THE CONVERSATION We could come up with some nonverbal examples of good cooperation but most of the...
Cooperation: Why?
People who want to control us say, “All I want is for you to cooperate.” What they really mean is, “Go along with me or I’ll accuse you of not being cooperative.” Cooperation isn’t about giving up what you want. It isn’t about...
Couples: Passive and Controlling Partners
PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER? Passive people usually find controlling partners. Controlling people usually find passive partners. They are “perfect” for each other. In apparently opposite ways, each person aims at controlling the other. Passive people are...
Discipline
FEARFULNESS The most troubled adults I know are those who were frightened as children by extreme physical abuse or psychological terror. Their parents called it “discipline.” The more horrendous the beatings and the more frightening the threats, the longer...
Finding Purpose
We all want the sense that we have fulfilled our purpose in life. Therapy clients in particular, after they have conquered most of their demons, feel a strong desire to find new purpose. With their unhealthy goals now eliminated, they wonder: “How will I spend...
Getting Practical #2: Relationships, Couples, Families, and Careers
Therapists are often accused of not being very practical. After we explain how some problem works, we frequently hear: “OK, Fine. But what should I DO About it?!” Therapists don’t give a lot of practical advice because it usually doesn’t work....
Growing Up Emotionally
THE DAY WE GREW UP Most of us can remember the day we grew up. It was the day our parents did us the favor of being so unreasonable that we said good-bye to our dependence on them forever and entered into the adult world of choices. Looking back, we realize that the...
Guidelines For Emotional Health
I found it a very interesting exercise to try to come up with a list of the most important suggestions I could possibly make and have them fit nicely into this relatively small space. The list is arranged in order of importance. If you don’t follow all of these...
Handling Criticism
Criticism can be good for us, if it is wanted. But handling unwanted criticism is a burden in all our lives. A PERSONAL STORY I want to tell you about the least successful therapy I’ve ever done. A few years ago a woman was referred to me by her doctor. When I...
How Happy Couples Stay That Way
Here is my personal list of the traits I admire most in couples. I’ve arranged them from “most necessary” on down. [Thanks to my two major “teachers” on this topic: Janet, my wife, and the couples I’ve met through therapy.] TIME...
