I Want to Improve and I Am Willing to Work on Myself for a While
About Change
DO PEOPLE REALLY CHANGE? Yes! Change is constant in all our lives. THREE AREAS OF CHANGE When we want to change we need to focus on three things: our values, our thinking, and our feelings. Change automatically occurs in all three areas every day, but some changes are...
About Getting Close
“I don’t know why she says I won’t get close! It’s so frustrating!” “She just won’t get close, no matter what I do.” “I’m lonely. I need someone close.” We talk about closeness all the time, but: What...
About Joy
OUR “AUTOMATIC PILOT” Plants are on automatic pilot to grow toward the sun. Animals are on automatic pilot to grow toward food and procreation. Everything in nature is on automatic pilot – constantly seeking what will meet its needs. Humans are on...
About Love
SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT LOVELove is like life itself. Ideally, it is passed down through the generations. You must absorb enough love before you can give it to others. Once you’ve absorbed enough love, there’s a natural urge for it to...
About Shame
SHAME AND GUILT Shame is not the same as guilt. When we feel guilt, it’s about something we did. When we feel shame, it’s about who we are. When we feel guilty we need to learn that it’s OK to make mistakes. When we feel shame we need to learn that...
An Inspiration From War
On September 11, 2001 the World Trade Center in New York was completely destroyed, and the Pentagon, the center of American military power, was greatly damaged as well. About three thousand people died. All U.S. citizens, and citizens of all other countries, were in...
Analyzing Your Dreams
DON’T MISS THE OBVIOUS Everyone wonders what their dreams mean, and there are many complicated systems one can use to learn about them. Since any attempt at looking inward is rewarding, all of these systems probably help some. But don’t miss the obvious....
Angels, Infants, and Hope
MY PROBLEM WITH ANGELS Whenever someone tells me that some force intervened in their life to change things for the better I think I understand completely. I remember times in my own life, and many times in other people’s lives, when a sudden change seemed to...
Basics #1: Your Needs and Wants
What every eight-year-old should know and most adults have never been taught about the emotions that run our lives. INTRODUCTION This topic explains what your feelings are, how to use them to help yourself, and how to overcome the ones that get in your way. This...
Basics #2: Your Natural Feelings
What every eight-year-old should know and most adults have never been taught about the emotions that run our lives. THE NATURAL, REAL FEELINGS Feelings that start in our senses are natural responses to the real world. When we notice real anger, or sadness, or scare,...
Basics #3: Unnatural Feelings
What every eight-year-old should know and most adults have never been taught about the emotions that run our lives. ABOUT GUILT Since guilt is not a natural, necessary emotion, it blocks and wastes our energy. GUILT IS A COVER-UP FOR ANGER WHICH LEAVES US FEELING SAD....
Bigotry
“Some things are white and right. Some things are black and wrong. There is nothing in between.” It amazes me that so many of us actually try to live our complex adult lives by such ridiculous dictums. A MILLION KINDS OF BIGOTRY Racism is only one form of...
Boundaries
WHAT THEY ARE The concept of “boundaries” relates to our sense of self. At birth and for a long while after, a baby has no real sense of who they are. When we see a baby in their mother’s arms, we see two people – the child and the mother. But...
Can You Make Someone Change?
At least half of the letters I get are from people who want to change somebody else. These letters usually start by listing the other person’s faults. This is followed by a list of all the things the writer has done to try to make the person change. Then there...
Changing Your Personality
People who have never experienced therapy often ask: “Do people really change?” People who have experienced good therapy know the answer is a resounding “Yes!” [If you wonder about this yourself, please read: “About Change.”] But there’s a related question that even...
Clear Communication: #1
COMMUNICATION TRICKS I’m going to be telling you about some “tricks” you can use to communicate clearly with anyone. I call them tricks because most people don’t know about them and because they often work so powerfully that they seem to give...
Clear Communication: #2
This is the second in a series of topics on communication. Refer back to topic #1 if you need to. SUMMARY OF THE FIRST TOPIC Have a purpose, and remember it. Remember the topic, notice when it starts to change, and go back to it. Be ready to cooperate – so both...
Cooperation: How?
“Cooperation #1: Why?” was about why we cooperate and how to decide whether to cooperate or compete. This topic is about how to actually do the cooperating. THE CONVERSATION We could come up with some nonverbal examples of good cooperation but most of the...
Cooperation: Why?
People who want to control us say, “All I want is for you to cooperate.” What they really mean is, “Go along with me or I’ll accuse you of not being cooperative.” Cooperation isn’t about giving up what you want. It isn’t about...
Couples: Passive and Controlling Partners
PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER? Passive people usually find controlling partners. Controlling people usually find passive partners. They are “perfect” for each other. In apparently opposite ways, each person aims at controlling the other. Passive people are...
