Q: My boyfriend claims he loves me but accuses me of doing all kinds of things. He is possessive and controlling. How do I deal with this and reassure him I am faithful in all aspects of our relationship?

A: Your question concerns me a great deal because your boyfriend may be dangerous. He is certainly treating you very poorly and trying to dominate you, and some of the people who have these problems can turn violent.

If you have any knowledge at all of him being violent – to you or to anyone else – you need to end this relationship before it gets worse.

If you don’t have any knowledge of him being violent, your desire to reassure him that you are faithful is a good idea. But the only reassurance he should need is for you to give him your word once that you are faithful. If this isn’t enough for him, that’s his problem and there’s nothing more you can do about it.

Another caution: If he abuses alcohol or other drugs, violence is far more likely eventually.

One possible complication would be if he happens to know that you have a history of not being faithful (to him or to someone else). This might make his doubts about you more reasonable. If this is the case, tell him (and tell yourself too) that you realize it will take time before he can trust you about this. (If he’s not willing to wait a year or more until he feels he can trust you about this – and if he keeps badgering you about it during that year or more – then he simply isn’t right for you.)

There are some topics at my site about this, so I want to invite you to check them out. I’d suggest the topic Feeling Safe as well as all of the topics about relationships.

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