Q: I’ve been married 17 years and have a good relationship, but my wife just doesn’t seem attractive to me any more. Fantasy enables me to get in the mood, and we have sex 2 or 3 times a week. Is there a way I can change the way I view my wife?

A: First of all, I’m not sure this is a problem. Fantasy is a good part of sex. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your fantasies along with reality during sex.

Some other things to think about:

1) You’ve been with her for 17 years. She may still look good to you, but there aren’t many surprises – and surprises are part of excitement. So you’ll need to come up with some surprises when you are with her, and invite her to do the same.

2) If you are feeding your fantasies too much, for instance through porn, that might be making them to be too strong when you are with her. Fantasies can be perfect. Real people can’t.

3) If your wife’s body has changed and that’s part of your problem, you need to face that this is going to keep happening. Both of you will look a lot different in another 17 years, and in another 17 after that. Because of this, we all need to appreciate the person in the body more than just the body, and we need to focus more attention on what we actually do together sexually than on the visual stimuli alone.

4) There’s a tradeoff that occurs when couples have been together for a while. There is a little less excitement but there is a lot more joy. More of the fun is of the “close and happy” type and a little less of it is of the “wild and crazy” kind.

Experiment! Give her a playful warning that you are going to be more adventurous, and then keep your word!

Have Fun!

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