Q: About “Getting Enough Attention” – “How To Get And Use Positive Attention Just For Being”, you list four ways:
1. Choose people who are good at giving it. (Understood)
2. Know You Want it.
3. Go for It.
4. Take the Time to Absorb It.

Could you elaborate please? I don’t understand how this would give me attention from my neglecting husband.

A: Since you say you only understand #1 and you don’t understand the rest, it seems to me that you must be very passive about actually doing things that invite your husband to give you more attention. The amount of attention I receive is 95% related to what I *DO* to get it. And to do effective things to get attention I need to:

2) Know WHEN I want it. (The actual moments… without just waiting for it in general and them complaining that it never comes…)

3) Take ACTION when I want it. (In the actual moments, again.)

Put your face right in front of his. Give him a loving rub. Whatever it takes to get his attention.

If things are really bad, go for negative attention instead of positive. Do something he doesn’t like! (Then afterwards you can say “I did that on purpose. I also did all these other things today to get your positive attention [list them], but they didn’t work. So can we talk about why they didn’t work so I don’t have to resort to nasty stuff like this again? [We all need attention so much that we subconsciously do things to get negative attention when we would prefer positive attention. This suggestion then is to make this subconscious phenomenon a conscious choice – and a way to point out this natural phenomenon for both of you to discuss in a healthy way.]

4) After you get it, remember if and recycle it in your mind while noticing how good it feels. (It will feel 90% as good a few minutes after the attention, and maybe only 10% as good in a few days. But even the smaller amounts can add up, since we all get attention many times a day.)

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